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I AM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jun. 23rd, 2005 | 09:46 am
mood: calmcalm
music: NORA JONES

Holy Smokes.
I started a new journal and looked up the interest "Off Bug Spray" and I found this journal from SUCH a long time ago that I wrote.

It is CRAZY going back into old memories.

I am still with Vinny.
4 years yesterday.

My daughter is now 6.

I bought a house.
I have an SUV.(I am referring to my journal entry about what I want in life from like 3 years ago, and those were on my list.)
I am going back to school to be a teacher.
I have a KICK ass job as a website/student information systems specialist.

Vinny lives with me.
No future marriage plans.

Life is good.

But is SO strange, how life with Vinny has a repeated pattern.
I especially see this when I review old journal entries.

Its a love hate relationship. But I am the only one HATING.

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And this is our love story

Mar. 6th, 2002 | 10:18 am

I was 15 and in track. I was a jumper. I was a shy girl. My 2 best friends were in track with me also. I could laugh and joke, be myself because I was in my comfort zone with them around. But I was still shy. There was the incredible Vinny..that always got first place. He was great at long jump and triple jump. A fast runner.
I noticed him..only because he was so good at track. He was popular...and had lots of friends. He was funny and everybody liked him. He was even good looking.

I did not expect him to notice me..I never even thought about it. But I know if I would have found out that he thought I had nice legs and I was pretty..that I would have been flattered and I am sure I would have taken more interest. I also had a boyfriend..so I was not looking around for boys at the time.

So he graduated. We did not talk. Life went on.
When I was 17, I was single I went to the pool where my friend was life guarding. We had lunch. Vinny came over and joked with her. He was so tan, and he looked really good. Did not really talk to me. Then after I left..he asked my friend who I was and said I was cute. He did not remember me from high school because I looked different I guess. My friend told me what he said..and I told her to give him my number. He did not call.
I was a little disappointed when he did not call...Finally he called. Then we hung out a couple times. Then he left for college 3 hours away.
We did not see each other. Life went on. We wrote back and forth a lot. I would call..he would call. Sometimes months would go by and I would not write...and we would not talk. He would send me gifts and little reminders to show he was still thinking about me.

Finally a year later after we went out..he came home for Christmas and we hung out. We went to his dads house (his mom and dad were divorced) to baby-sit his brother and sisters.
That night we had sex for a minute..but stopped ourselves from temptation because we had no protection. We spend lots of time together..and after that I drove up to his house where he was attending college to visit him. We would have long nights of endless sex and he was so much fun. We watched football and hung out. Laughed and joked. I loved him.
We wrote back and forth for a while.
Then I hardly saw him. I was moving out of my house into another town with my best friend. And I decided that I should end things because we never saw each other and I was leaving and life was changing. I think that I broke his heart..and I moved on fast. I did not think twice about it..and now that makes me sad that I was so heartless. I dated, dated and dated. I was being completely stupid and making bad decisions..which resulted in my getting pregnant by a guy I hardly new.
That summer...I was 3 months pregnant. I moved back to my hometown and rented a house on my own. All my friends dumped me because I was pregnant. I was so lonely. I was 19. I went to the pool to say hi, and I wanted to so badly tell him that I was pregnant. Because I needed to talk to somebody. I was a nervous wreck and so depressed. I couldn't get myself to tell him. So I did not.

He left that September to go back to school and found out I had a baby January that following year. A friend told him. When I had my daughter I was so excited that I was finally a mom. Being pregnant was the worst experience of my life..because I was lonely and depressed.
One day I thought about him. I finally decided to tell him.. I missed his laugh..I missed being friends. He always made me feel good about myself and cheered my up. I was not expecting anything..just wanted to say hi.
So I called him. He was a little hurt and disappointed that I never told him that I was pregnant. But we stayed in touch for a year while he was in college. He would send presents in the mail to my daughter and nice things to say hi...for me.
The summer when I was 21 he moved back for the summer. I had met this guy named Steve. We dated for a while. Vinny was being so nice to me and we always flirted and talked. I wanted to be with him..but I was scared and hesitant. It was like the timing was not right. My cousin had a crush on him..so I decided to set them up..because I felt bad that I had a boyfriend. I was so jealous that I did this. Setting them up was worst thing I have ever done. They dated. They had sex. I could not stand the thought of it...but it was my own doing. My cousin liked him soooo much. Vinny still loved me. I still had feeling for him..but I had a boyfriend..and did not want things to get confusing. My cousin was mad and told him that he did not like her because she was not me. Things ended fast.
After Steve and I broke up..I was invited to go to Cancun. I had no money. Vinny paid my way to Cancun. He wanted me to have fun. I went with him and 5 of his friends. At that time before I left..my interests were on a guy named Trent..but he was not my boyfriend. Me and Vinny slept in the same bed..never touched each other..we walked down the beach and sat in the sunset together in Cancun. I went off with some foreign guy I met..and was such a jerk to Vinny.
I simply do not deserve his attention.
After that trip Vinny went back to school to finish his last semester before graduating. We did not talk much. Then after he graduated he moved back home. Then we started to hang out. I realized that I had better grab onto this rare special wonderful person before it was too late. He had not kissed for 4 years. When he first touched me..it felt awkward. I fought the feelings. Did not know if I wanted it. Then we started seeing more and more of each other. I wanted to be his girlfriend..but he told me he did not want one. Even though we were practically girlfriend and boyfriend and inseparable. I think it was mostly because I betrayed his trust in me..by hurting him..and he did not want to get hurt. So this was the time to prove to him that I loved him and WANTED him only. Because I did. I had an undying need to be around him. To touch him..to be in his presence.
6 moths later he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I have never been so connected to anybody in my life. When we make love it is like I am sinking into his whole being. Like we are one. We understand each other. We laugh. We have the best relationship..better than anything I have ever experienced. I love him so much that I would do anything to make him happy. I think about him all the time. I look forward to every second that I spend with him. He accepts my daughter and the person I am now. I have completely changed my life around..and it is because of my daughter and because of him.
And this is our love story.

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My COLORGENICS PROFILE

Mar. 5th, 2002 | 08:39 am

Utmost in your mind is success. You are constantly seeking stimulation and a life full of experience. You are trying to "grow" and above all you need to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt. You are an enthusiastic individual ... full of life with the desire to live intensely. You like contact with others and are enthusiastic by nature. You are receptive to anything new, modern or intriguing. Your interests are many and you are likely to expand your fields of activities. You are optimistic about the future and you deserve every success because deep down you are a "winner".

You are finding the present situation extremely demanding and you're having difficulty coping with the situation. A great deal of strain is involved and you would really like everyone and everything to leave you alone for a while, just so that you can put everything into perspective.

Your involvement seldom measure up to your high emotional expectations and your "needs" to be "loved" and "cared for", have in the past often led to extreme disappointment. But a change is in the wind...make a firm decision to start anew...Just"think" it...and it will happen..

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress... You are carried away by other peoples enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding.You have lowered your defences in the past .. and you have been hurt ... so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity.

You really would like to be completely uninhibited... to let your hair down.. but you are held back by your sense of logic and rational, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything... whatever that may be..

http://www.colorgenics.com/

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HELP

Mar. 4th, 2002 | 03:11 pm

It seems that I have been rather annoyed lately
When I used to live with my cousin and holli...it seems like I wasn't afraid to be mean...to ask for rent..to ask them to turn the heater down to cut down on gas bills...to help vacuum the floor..to uload the dishes..wash them..keep the place clean..HELP ME OUT ONCE in a while. I wasn't afraid to get mad..because I had reason..and if they had a problem with it..then TOOOOOO BAD. I was a bitch back..and I did not care.
But it seems..that this Shana chick..I really like her..she is my best friend. I don't want to ruin our friend ship with stupid money..or stupid things. I feel bad for reminding her to pay me. I FEEL BAD. I don't want her to think I am the part of the bill posse coming to clean her saving out.
My point is..I could manage the place by myself..and I am not forced to have a roomate..and I COULD live by myself an manage fine. I enjoy having Bre and Shana living with us..and I am willing to swallow my annoyances to have them with us. Because I WANT THEM THERE. The good outweighs the bad. If I did not want them there..I would have never suggested them living with us.
I know Shana could be living for free with her mom. With that ..I am sure there is the good and the bad. I know she could be living there for free..but when you add extra bodies..extra people that need to use more gas for the dryer..more showers and baths....more lights..more electric..more more more.
This ads up a little..and I am not asking Shana to pay half of everything..because I know she cannot afford it right now because she is a full time student. I KNOW THIS. I am only asking her to pay a little. To where I know that she is not taking advantage..and she also feels good that she is not free loathing..and knows that she is helping out a little on her part.
The bills
RENT $600
Other bills $110-$210 depending on the month/season
As you can see I pay the majority of it.. I DON'T MIND
I WANT TO..

Here are all the good things by having Shana and Bre live with us:

1. They make the house a more exciting place to live
2. Marley and Bre get to grow up together for the time being
3. Shana is my best friend and there when I need her
4. It is never boring
5. Shana makes it cheaper for me to live
6. There is somebody besides myself and Marley to go home to..that is always a nice thing to think about.
7. We can share our stuff
8. We can eat dinner together
9. We have became sort of a family
10. It is our house

-------
These are the bad things
1. Bills are higher
2. The Household chores, in my mind should be fair, and they are not
3. Marley and Bre fight like sisters (but this could be good too)
4. It is hard to be two moms with two kids.. with different morals and disciplinary ideas
5. It is hard to be a clean freak with 2 kids in the house
6. Sometimes I feel the age difference kick in when I bring up touchy subjects and get my head bit off or get an attitude thrown at me.
7. Money/bills cause problems

I don't know what to do. I don't want to ask her to pay me..when she knows all the bills are due on the 1st. That means my cash flow is well below normal considering it takes my whole paycheck and $200 on top of that to pay all the bills at the end of the month. PLUS MY OWN PERSONAL BILLS LIKE CAR INSURANCE wich is another $200. So if she paid me on the 1st when I pay everything..it makes my life 100% easier and less stressful.

How should I approach this?
Everytime I ask her about these things...about money..about bills...about cleaning...
I feel like I am being mean..and I don't want to be mean.. I just don't want to be stressed out and annoyed.
That is all.
What should I do?

Should I make it a rule to pay on the 1st.
Should we make a chore list..and even have the girls involved?
Is there a better way to approach talking about these matters than what I have done in the past?
Is there something I am doing wrong?
I know I am hard to live with..maybe somebody should tell me what I need to do to make life easier on all of us.

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goin out

Feb. 22nd, 2002 | 10:26 am

FRIDAY ALL READY? hooray.
Well..this week was great. Boring at work..but I got to hang out with Shana and that was nice.
Tonight I am going to a club with Jilly Jill and we are getting a hotel room so we won't have to drive home. Since it is an hour away. Anyway..Me and Vinny have been doing good. Although, I am looking forward to hanging out on "girl's night" because I have been seeing him soooo much. I don't think I ever want to get married...or go beyond what I have. I have had my guard up..and I don't want to ever let them down.

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Good weekend

Feb. 18th, 2002 | 09:30 am

This weekend was really nice. I had the whole house to myself..and me and Marsbars had some good quality time to ourselves. We went to an auction. Got my oil changed on my car. We cleaned the yard. We jumped on the trampoline. We watched TV. Went to church. Shopped. We made lunch for Vinny, my mom and dad..and we went to Daily Queen and had ice cream.
Vinny had a good weekend with the guys. I think I am declaring this next weekend..GIRL'S NIGHT OUT. I need a drink.

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Valentine

Feb. 14th, 2002 | 08:27 am

--I give this to you a day early in high hopes of SEX on Valentines day!

A touch of skin soft and slippery,
With the hint of hint of sweat.
We fight our resistance beneath the hot sheets,
As the cold air flows above us.
Eyes meet briefly and beg for the chance,
To abandon all of our uncertainties.
You begin your work on my lips,
Probing gently as if drawing sex,
From a deep well of longing and need.
Then our heated tongues meet in the midst,
Of hot and quickening breaths.
Our clothes find a resting place on the floor.
Piece by piece,
Until there is no more hiding places,
For the hour two glistening and wanting bodies.
Hunger revealed in the hot moment.
Then skin meshes with skin,
As the floor became the stage.
You move atop of me easily,
And lower yourself gently.
Kissing me as I was filled with you.
As a gasp breaks the kiss,
Your hands stroke the stray strands
Away from my forehead, then become entangled.
Our slow rhythm gives way,
To urgent and demanding thrusts of passion,
As I arch my back and body for your comfort,
And you throw me into ecstasy,
With the strength of your MANHOOD
You leave me screaming and soaked,
In oblivion again and again,
As you whisper my name from the back of your throat,
And our bodies both demand more,
Each giving to the other,
High on eachother, wanting more and more,
I grasp, then release you,
Graspe then release you,
In effort to relieve you of your control.
The taste of your skin between my lips,
Is like no other.
To hear your cry of mercy,
When my lips meet your warm skin,
Is more breathtaking than you know.
Yet I still release the control to you.
As you wind your hands in my hair,
You move with one final and breaking strive,
Forcing our way to the ulitmate bliss,
Leaving our screams to echo on.
I welcome the weight of you to crush me,
As you collapse on top of me,
Still hot and burning,
I'm beat dead and ready
To fall face first to the floor,
I put my lips to your ear
And whisper, "I want more! "

~Your lover

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Just want I needed

Feb. 12th, 2002 | 08:23 am

shnooky lumps,
I was wondering if you were ever going to be as happy as I am. You aren't
obsessed, this is how guys feel all the time. We have girls on the mind 24
hours a day. But I was never as happy as I am now. I am happy because you are
happy. That is the way it is, that is the way it will always be. I will
always try to make you happy, even if it means 3-times a night. There will
probably be more bad weekends (probably not as bad as this one) but I have to
get over it because I just waste time that could be used for more fun and
handjobs. (lol) I needed my time to fester and then it was done. Besides, we had a
weekend all to ourselves, which was kind of nice.
so........
there is nothing wrong with you
I want you to think about me all the time
I will always smile at you
and I don't mind if you cry because you are so happy once in a while
it makes me feel good
you make me feel good
I love being so close to each other that we mold each other's personalities.
I can honestly say that it would be weird without you in my life
we have gotten to the point where I couldn't live the same with out you
I expect to see you everyday
I expect unexpected visits from you
I don't have to hide anything in my life from you because you are my life.
and to top it all off, you always try to make me happy
a lot of people say that they want somone who will just accept who they are
well, we make an effort to please the other which is why we are always happy
I love who you are, but sometimes I have to show you who you are(its ok to laugh
at that las remark), just as you have to show me sometimes.
plus, I can call you schnooky lumps and you laugh
things are great, but I don't have to tell you
love
Vinny

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LOATHING LAS VEGAS

Feb. 11th, 2002 | 10:50 am

I think I am obsessed.
I had the roughest weekend...and I am still in love so deeply with Vinny.
LOATHING LAS VEGAS
Thursday morning 9:00 am
The Crew --me, Vinny, Spencer and Scott
We leave Colorado for the 12 hour drive to Las Vegas. Around 6 pm the van breaks down 87 miles outside of Vegas. So we stay the night in Mesquite. Have somebody look at it. We decide to move on after we replace a few spark plugs. I have 2 uncles in Vegas and know if worse comes to worse we can get help from them.
So we drive.

Friday 12:30 pm
Arrive in Vegas and check into to Rio. Then we go out. We have fun. We walk..we walk we walk we walk the strip. I was so tired..we went back to the room around 7. We crash..(but we wanted to wake up an go back out) But we did not. 1st night is Vegas ruined by tiredness.

Saturday 11:30 am
We go visit Vinny's friend to go watch the pro ball. We stay there until 6pm. AHHHHH..
then we go out. I asked Vinny if we were going to walk around alot. If we were I was going to wear better walking shoes. Well he said we would not walk much. LIES.
To make a long story short..everybody was so stressed about the van and what to do with it..that the whole trip was a chois stress mess. Vinny was giving me the silent treatment..we walked down the strip found a place to eat..in some Mexican food joint in New York New York he never said one word. So..I was steaming mad..about ready to throw a fit. So I gave him an option. Talk or I was taking a cab home.
He decided not to talk
So I get ready to walk. Then I go back. I am in the middle if Vegas. I don't want to be alone. So we walk. I was tired from walking. We walked like 10 thousand billion blocks. He would not walk with me. He was walking faster. So he was ahead of me..and would not even look at me to see if I was still following.
So finally he turns a corner..and I thought "FUCK IT" I was tired and he was not being nice and waiting for me. So I stop. And we lose eachother. So much for not being alone in down town Vegas.
So I take a cab home. Go to the room like 5 times (I had no key)
Finally I give up..and go sulk on the balcony of the Rio overlooking the casino. Low and behold at 12 am Spener and Scott spot me and we go back to the room to look for Vinny. No Vinny. So we go to the club Rio. Get drunk and have fun. But the whole time I felt so bad because of Vinny. I felt bad we were fighting. I felt bad for having fun.
Then we go back to the hotel room at 4 am. Vinny was sleeping. He was pissed. I guess he waited in front of the Rio for 4 hours for me. But I all ready was there.
Sunday morning..
We did not speak. We left the hotel at 9:30 am
As we were going up the escalator..I was crying.. I was so mad..so sad. I was tired and missed my daughter and Vinny was ignoring me.
So I stepped up a couple steps and laid my head on his arm.
Then when we got to the top he dropped his bags and hugged me.
After that..everything was fine.
I that hug was the best hug I ever felt in my whole entire life.
And I just bet the hug I get this afternoon from my daugher will be just as good. Since I have not seen her since the 7th. Urgh.
Anyway..we drove the van all the way back. It took us about 14 hours because we had to drive slow. But It was the best drive back because me and Vinny played in the back of the van the whole time.

Monday morning 12:36 am- we make it home.
Vinny stayed the night and I had the best make up sex I have ever had.

This weekend was rough. And still he is smiling at me.

We are what I want us to be. I don't care if we never get married. I am so inlove with him that nothing else matters. (except for a few other things on my priority list) If things are like this forever I will have been inlove the way I always wanted to be inlove. We are a perfect example of what love should be. When I think about it..it makes me all crazy inside...and I need to take a deep breath before I get all emotional and cry because he does make me so happy.

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Loathing Las Vegas?

Feb. 6th, 2002 | 08:16 am

Yipes, too bad everybody missed that last Journal entry I DELETED. It was very mean.

So I leave for Vegas tomorrow morning at 9. It is a 12 hour drive. Hope I don't lose my mind.
Most of all, I hope I don't have to pee every 2 hours. That would be a long drive.

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